One last post for Taking Two

Dear Friends...

I will be taking a "who knows how long" sabbatical from Taking Two... maybe indefinitely?

I have cherished..... CHERISHED this time with you...

and will be SURE to check in with all of you...

as I have made TRUE, beautiful friends. 

THANK YOU for all of your love.

THANK YOU for your time and comments and encouragement.

THANK YOU for blessing me. 

And so I leave with you a favorite quote...

and a favorite love song, maybe two. and one more good song thrown in there.

Very random.... but very good. 

The forgotten birthday...

So. 

About 3 weeks ago... it was my birthday.

(GASP)!!! ( I have friends who are reading this now and are kicking themselves because they feel bad for not remembering). 

And friends.... let me tell you....

Nobody. Remembered.

(Okay.... some people remembered... but a very precious few.) 

Facebook didn't remember. 

I don't know how that happens. 

But facebook didn't remember either. 

I think I even forgot. 

Friends... What I want you to know is... the stars were somehow aligned... and ....

It's not your fault. 

Maybe I needed a good dose of humble pie. 

Maybe it means that because it was somewhat "forgotten" that my body hasn't actually aged a year.

Maybe it means... 

nothing at all. 

Bottom line... my birthday was a few days after my Dad got out of the hospital after having a heart attack. 

And, the "small sting" I would have normally felt by a somewhat "forgotten day" didn't sting at all. 

Well.... maybe a black fly midgy sting. Yeah... one of those. Our family had a more grand celebration going on in our hearts. My Dad was still here. So, a few precious family members gathered around down at the lake at my parents' house. We had pizza on the party boat. We had piggy-back races. We had joy. It was actually... the perfect day... mostly forgotten and all. 

"Wisdom is knowing I am nothing,

Love is knowing I am everything, 

and between the two my life moves."

-Nisargadatta Maharaj 

A completely legal "high"...

About a week ago... I did something I didn't think I would do. 

It was the result of 50 % peer pressure. (Or cousin pressure, I should say).

And 50 % of my own guts. 

I flew in an airplane that was notorious for dropping out of the sky. 

Remember... I'm the girl who made myself actually sick from worry to fly on a plane. 

This worry was the result of getting struck by lightning on the way to Ethiopia. 

This kind of "fear" or "worry" is the same kind that often results in my "passing out".

For you medically inclined people out there... I usually have one of those "vasal-vagal reaction" thingys and, as my husband has witnessed a couple of times.... look like I'm getting sucked into a black hole, and then collapse. Poor guy. 

Anyways... 

"Jennifer... just do it," she said. 

So I did. 

My cousin works at a skydive zone. She packs the parachutes. She's got guts I tell you. And her other half is a skydive instructor. He's got even more guts. I was able to fly co-pilot in the plane that drops off the skydivers. I was able to see them barrel out of the plane. 

Soon after they were all out and screaming through the sky...

the pilot looked over at me with an elated expression... yelling over the hum of the engine...

"I GET TO DO THIS FOR A LIVING!!!" 

"THIS IS MY OFFICE!!!"

"CAN YOU BELIEVE IT???"

"THIS IS WHAT I DO!!!!"

"WAHOOOOO!"

"YOU MIGHT WANT TO HOLD ON!" 

"HERE WE GO!!!!" 

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry... so I just focused on breathing. 

He dropped the plane. 

We were going to beat most of the skydivers down.

Beat them down.

Did you read that? 

And it was so dog-gone awesome. 

I have to tell you... although I'm not sure I'll ever muster up enough gusto to actually jump out of the plane... I walked a bit taller that day. I was sorta proud of myself. 

My cousin knew it would be good for me. 

"Just do it, Jennifer." 

For the rest of the day, my usual obsessive brain was a bit more quiet. 

The sheer moment-by-moment focus and joy I experienced up in the sky had carried into the rest of the day. 

And it was a day to remember. 

Summer...

Conversations (Thoughts on love, humility, God, heart attacks and the I.C.U.)

The night of the heart attack...

I haven't cried like that in a long time. 

My heart ached. 

My cry was almost so deep that it sounded unfamiliar. 

I clutched his hand, stuck with I.V.'s.

I watched his vital signs on a black screen.

Daddy? 

It's gonna be okay, baby. It's gonna be okay.

Don't cry...

The next morning...

His eyes had more of their usual glow.

That green tint in his skin was gone.

He smiled. 

Hi Daddy...

.................

we had a moment when it was just him and I...

Daddy? 

Daddy... that house we're trying to sell... it's gonna sell... 

and everything is gonna be okay. And it doesn't matter anymore... nothing really matters... 

but we've got to get all of that stress out of your life Daddy...

And Daddy?

Yes, Honey?

Daddy? Me and God... we're gonna be okay. Tears.

I know it's been hard to see me go through this... where I questioned all that God is and all that I am for the past few years... 

But I'm gonna be okay... okay? 

And me and God.... we're gonna be okay... okay? 

I squeezed his hand.

I know, Baby. 

And Daddy... it's just so hard to talk to you about it Daddy...

I know, Baby. I know. Cause it's your journey... and only you know the aches in your heart. And only you know your questions.

Daddy? I'm sorry for any stress I've caused. 

Honey, it's okay. You didn't, Baby. 

I love you, Daddy. 

I love you, Honey.

I left his I.C.U. room thinking about his life. All the ways he's given himself so that we could have a beautiful life. He's practically built a home for us. Given so much so that we could adopt our boys. Drove to my house one morning at 6:00am to love on a crying and exasperated daughter who never knew being a Mommy would be so hard. He just gives. And gives. He doesn't want us to be rich. He just wants us to have time to be with each other. He doesn't want us to have a big house... just a place that we can love and be loved. And while I sat in the waiting room... overhearing the quiet sobs of the woman sitting next to me... I just wished he knew the love that I held in my heart. A love for him that mere words could not hold. 

Driving back from the hospital...

I can't help but think that God was in this... I could feel something sacred in the midst of this... but...

But if you say that God was in this... That your Dad is still alive because of God...then where is God when the heart attack is fatal? Or the car crash? Or the cancer? 

I know... that's just it. To say that Dad lived through a heart attack because "of God" sounds arrogant, or at least, ignorant, of the suffering and death of others. But I can't help but feel thankful. 

I know. Me too.

Do you think that there is an energy... an energy that runs throughout the earth calling us all to a realm that is beyond what we see and hear and feel? And that, instead of "God" sitting high up in the universe somewhere controlling all things, that the current and energy of God runs through this earth... and we have to wake up to see it? And hear it? And feel it? It's a gentle current, loving and inviting. But it does not control? 

I like those words... Reverend Peter uses those words...

Babe... just think about Reverend Peter. He just lost his daughter-in-law to a fatal car crash last week. And he stood up in front of the church that very next Sunday and said... "I have to believe... that God's heart was the first to break." 

So much better than words such as, "It's just God's will..." 

And in that way... I do think that the energy of God was there with my Dad. It was there when he ran into his friend a week ago who told him about taking aspirin when he had had a heart attack. It was there when the birthday party was scheduled for Monday, and caused my Mom to stay home from a trip up north. It was there in the speed of the Doctor's hands and minds. It was there when my Dad knew it was time to stop working. It was there when he had clarity of mind that this was serious. There were so many things that could have happened but didn't. And I really believe that many people and places and things all were aligned with this "energy of God." 

But sometimes it doesn't happen like that. Sometimes life is taken too soon. 

I know. Reminds me of the scene in the movie "Avatar" when they bring the woman to the tree of souls... and everyone gathers around in prayer. And she is wounded badly. And the "energy" of "Ewa" couldn't heal her. It was too late. The way things "are" ... in the physical world... couldn't be reversed. 

And God's heart breaks. 

Yeah...

And God's heart breaks. 

There was a breeze that filled the car as we drove. And a vivid feeling of thanks filled my mind. And it made my heart beat. 

And my Dad's too.  

And a marvelous birthday it was...

Our boys turned two just a couple weeks ago. 

And it was a splendid day.

Family. 

Cook-out.

At the lake. 

And the pig was there too. 

Can't forget the pig. 

It was one of those moments that, while it happens, you stop and breath deep...

thinking... This is the life. 

All these people who love our precious boys gathered around. 

And I knew that these boys have not only turned my world upside-down... 

but they've changed things for the whole family. 

There was a certain presence about that party. 

A presence of overwhelming thankfulness in our hearts...

for Braveheart and Tenderheart. 

How Daddy takes pictures...

Most of us Mommies, most of the time, are the ones behind the camera... taking the shots. But every once in a while we can ask someone to try to take a picture of us with the kids. 

"Hey, Da-da?" 

"You mind taking a couple pictures of us?" 

Well... he's a photography genius I tell you... 

Here's how he did it:

The plight of twins, mothering, stress, zits and good friends

Hi Friends! It's been a while! I'm sorry! Geesh! 

And even now... I'm going to share a post with you that I wrote weeks ago. Forgive me. It's an honest post about motherhood. Hope you still like me. 

(Two-year birthday party for the boys, with mouths full of cake!) 

The pressure has been mounting around here. We have that darn house we couldn't sell under contract. (YEAH!) But boy, oh boy is it stressful at times. Will it all go through okay? And...we've got to finish moving out of it, etc. AND... the house we are in now... we are also selling. It was just a project fixer-upper. And it's on the market. So, I show it to people. They call. They ask... "can we see it tonight"? "How about tomorrow"? I start to sweat. I twitch. I pick up one room... and go on to the next to turn around and see the one room I picked up DESTROYED by my twins. They are two years old! Who am I kidding? So... lets just say that there are zits on my nose. And I'm clenching my teeth... lots.

So... yesterday, a good friend asked me to meet her at a pool club she belongs to. I thought... how fun??? My boys haven't seen a lot of "fun" action lately.

Today, I woke up excited about meeting my friend at the pool. With two toddlers... outings aren't exactly stress-free... so they aren't exactly frequent. And all day I told the boys about it. I spent about, oh... THE WHOLE morning packing up and getting ready for the occasion. I loaded the boys into the truck. Drove extra slow hoping they'd fall asleep on the way. (which of coarse they didn't until I looped around for about 30 minutes there). All was going to be worth it. I woke them up after a 5 minute nap... loaded them into the stroller and hauled two full bags of toys, food, diapers, wipes, clothes, etc. into the pool area.

I was sweating heavily. Semi-frustrated. My low tank of fuel just ran out. But I was greeted by my sweet friend and the possibility of a good day for all.

In the kiddie pool, a mom approached me and asked, "Are they twins?"
"Yup."

"Oh, boy. I have twins," she said. I tuned in.

She continued, "My twins are now 8 years old. And now I have a 2 year old also."

"So, you know, don't you?"

"Yes. I sure do. Twins are tough. I can't imagine what triplets, or quadruplets or ..."

"I can't imagine."

"And it's different," she said,  "I can assure you. Raising two at the same exact time. And raising one. I know. I've done it."

At that time... one of the twins fell down, feet up, head down in the water. So our conversation ended abruptly. My sweet friend sat with me in the kiddie pool area, even though friends of hers were waiting for her in the "adult area". And we had a nice time chatting, and the kids I think had a good time in the pool. But between running around to catch them, changing them, feeding them and grabbing food out of their hands that they stole off someone else's pool chair... I left the pool club in a fury. I was one of those mom's who you see and think... "geesh.... she's clearly having a rough day, all in a panic to get out." I didn't even see or notice anyone looking at me. I didn't care. I just had to get out. I'm sure I looked ridiculous. My poor friend.

I put the kids in their car seats with less patience and I murmured a few poor choice words.

And I drove off with tears in my eyes.

And as I drove away... I thought... I want more for these boys. I'm sure every parent, whether they have one child, or twins or 9 children, has thought this. They try their very best... but when the day is done... they want something even more for these little ones that they love so much, that are taking everything in with their eyes and their hearts. I had the opportunity to love them... and instead... I felt like yelling at the top of my lungs, "you little shit!" (Sorry, but I'm going to be completely honest), and maybe at times I said something like it semi-under breath. Maybe at times I said, "No!" in exasperation. Maybe at times I could feel that I was one of those parents that I didn't want to be.

You know, sometimes I wonder if I was cut out to be a mom... and a mom of twins at that. I talk to some of my friends who now have two children... and they say that they are doing things a bit differently with their second. They have learned from their mistakes. And I think... "Darn-it. I never had that opportunity to learn with just one. I screwed them both up!" All my "first child" mistakes are for two, and I have a feeling I make a bunch of them. I'm learning all of this mother stuff with TWO children who need love at the SAME TIME. And I wonder what the implications for this are. And Darnit. I just think I have a lot to learn. It's not exactly like I had asked for twins. Or prepared myself. Nope. It was like BAAAAM. Here you go. (Gosh, I don't mean to sound so awful... it will come around... promise).

Another dear friend of mine once comforted me in a crying mess. After failing miserably with grace and patience, I asked her, "Would they be better off with their mom in Africa?" Even though she's sick with HIV and dirt poor...would they be better off?  

"Jenny, she would make the same mistakes, my friend. It's okay." She said it with pure certainty and love.

Gosh. I love my friends. I love my friend for saying that. And I love my friend at the pool for helping me and loving me, with no judgement when I am sure that I might have been a bit of an embarrassment.

I've been thinking quite a bit about what it means to be a mom, to be a parent. And it's the hardest darn thing I've ever done in my life. No holds barred. It sucks all of your "me-ness" right out of you. It makes you HAVE to grow more and more in loving the "other". Or else, you start shrinking. If you don't let go of that "me" life... it starts to take you over... and you end up, as C.S. Lewis describes in "The Great Divorce" a tiny poof of an existence, shriveling up to nothingness. I don't want to end up that way. But some days I am holding onto that "me" life with bloody knuckles.

You know...before kids... I thought I was a pretty descent, semi-selfless person. But boy, oh boy did I have a lot to learn. Am I the only "cotton-headed-ninny-muggins"??? I sure as heck felt pretty shriveling today.

And yet... 

we came home from the pool... and we sat on the couch. And I held them both to my heart.

And they smiled at me a smile that only their Mommy knows . You had to be there...

A Birthday and a heart attack...

The day after the boys' birthday, right about the time I was posting that "we're still alive"... my Dad was having a heart attack. It's a doozy of a story... and I'll tell you about it soon. I'm still trying to wrap my heart and mind around it. It's almost too fresh to write about. But, he's on his way home from the hospital right now. 

I'm so thankful for my precious 2 year old boys. But, I'm especially thankful for this guy right here. Who, since I was itty bitty, was the best Daddy in the whole wide world. And is now the very best Pa-pa. Oh are we thankful that we still have you, Daddy, here with us... 

(this picture was taken a day before his heart attack, at the birthday party)

We're still alive.

Just been wonderfully busy.

Two year old birthdays. (For the most precious two boys I've ever seen, of coarse).

Anniversary day trips. 

Camping trips that take 6 weeks to prepare for... and then go-bad with two simple factors: RAIN + BUGS.

And loads of hot summer fun.

But I've been thinking of all of you wonderful people. 

Miss you. 

I'll be back ever-so-soon. 

Love, Jenny

A real conversation...

I am about to give you a glimpse of a conversation that took place in my house about a week ago. 

10 pm.

We are in our bedroom.

Getting ready for bed.

HIM: "Babe... are you wearing your work shirt to bed?"

ME: "Uh huh."

HIM: "Do you have another one to wear to work tomorrow?" 

ME: "Nope."

HIM: "So... you are going to sleep in the shirt you are going to wear tomorrow?" 

ME: "Yup."

HIM: "Why?" 

ME: "Cause it's wrinkled... and I figure that my body heat, through the night, will de-wrinkle it." 

HIM: "Brilliant." 

Pigs, wedding registries, big dogs and dinner...

My Sister is getting married in September. And we are so excited. She's been dating her fiance for over four years. And he's a keeper. They love each other like crazy. 

I'll give you an example:

My soon to be brother-in-law owns his own auto-body shop. He comes from a family who owns their own maple sugar shack, raises their own pigs, cows, etc., and has their own vegetable garden. They are wonderful, wonderful, kind-hearted, compassionate people. And I'm so excited to blend our families together.

As I was saying... they raise their own pigs. And my sister's fiance (we'll call him Uncle "A"... as my boys do), has a part in raising these piggies. So, Uncle "A" has been helping take care of two PREGNANT pigs. Have you ever seen a very pregnant pig??? They are HUGE.

HUGE.

Anyways.

One of the pigs had her piglets. (Isn't that whatcha call 'em?) 16 of them. During birth... because it was in the middle of the night and they didn't know it was happening... some of the piglets got hurt. Real hurt. And Uncle "A" and my sister took them to my sister's little bungalow apartment and tried to nurse them back to health. It was precious. And sad. Some didn't make it. But to see my sister and Uncle "A" waking up every 45 minutes through the night to bottle feed these little piglets was just so sweet. They worried, really worried about these little guys... they named them, loved them, held them. 

So, one evening, we answered the telephone. "Hi, Jenny! Are you around? We are down in your area registering for our wedding... and wanted to know if we could stop over and bring something for dinner?" 

"Sure! That would be great." 

"Only thing... we have Fritz (their HUGE bullmastiff/boxer mix dog)................ and Josh."

Josh is one of the little piggies. 

"You took the dog and the pig to register for your wedding?" 

"Uh huh. Yeah... we had to keep running out to the car to see how they were doing. I even had to tell the lady helping us with our registry that we had to go check on our pig." 

So... they came over for dinner. It was chaos. Two twin two-year old boys, a HUGE dog, and a piglet running around. But so worth it. 

I am so excited for this wonderful, beautiful wedding to take place... to celebrate these wonderful, beautiful, precious people! I love you BOTH! 

I'm really not a cook.... and believe me... I don't have an ounce of the talent I need to turn this into a foodie blog...but...

I have to tell you about this.

Because it will make your summer.

A friend of ours brought it over to my parent's house. 

And the rest is history.

I like eating. I sometimes like to cook. I sometimes like to bake. 

I like easy things that don't have a bazillion million ingredients. 

Gets me all confused. 

I try to keep it healthy. 

Except when it comes to these right here...

I buy a package.

And I sneak a few frozen raw cookie dough pieces every once in a while. 

They never see the oven. Poor guys.

Well... one night I fell asleep before my husband and he came in and started feeling my stomach.

"What the heck are you doing???"

"I wanted to see if I could feel the cookie dough in there." 

ANYWAYS...

sidetracked.

The recipe. 

2 cans of chick peas. drained. 

about 3/4 cup of crumbled feta cheese.

1 red pepper. chopped.

1 red onion. chopped.

one head of broccoli. (just the good stuff... you know... the stuff that looks like the tree tops). chopped.

(you can see my expertise lingo coming out. I try to contain it)

about 1/3 cup of Newman's Own Caesar Dressing. (or more) 

and if you like greek olives... dice a few of those. throw 'em in. 

I don't know what it's called. 

But it's good. 

A nice view....

linking up with Sweet Shot Tuesday

I know, friends. I've been kinda slackin'. Pictures. No words. (Not even for Father's Day... and our Da-da sooooo deserved words!!!) I'll make it up to him.

But in the next couple days... I'm going to share with you about my sister. 

Her wedding. Pigs. Dogs. And Registries. Yes... they all go together.

Father's Day was a dandy

Sometimes I sweat and start to twitch...

Two days ago... I took the boys to the grocery store and a local shop to pick up a few goods. And lets just say... by the end of it... I may have cussed once. I may have started to sweat heavily. My eye might have even twitched. 

TWIN TWO-YEAR-OLD BOYS don't make a quick pit-stop into the store an easy breezy thing to do. In the check-out isle, the lady behind me looked at me quite smirkish and said, "glad it's you and not me". An experience like that one reminds me of this: 

( holding a bottle with my chin for one and spoon-feeding the other... at the same time)

 But... I'm glad it's me. 

Those kinds of friends...