Thursday, January 20, 2011

Dear God... love, "missing you"

I've been missing you. I used to see you everywhere and in everything. I used to say, "You lead me to this." "You helped me do this." "You opened this door for me." "You had a plan in that." And now... I'm not so sure.

Don't you love the people in Africa? Wouldn't you want to give them water? And food? And a cure for their sickness?  They pray. But they die. And their children are left with no home. And how about the people here? How about the ones that pray and pray and their sickness is not healed? And they loose the one they love?

So I've stopped asking you to "give me this", "and lead me here". And I've stopped proclaiming, "You are so good... look what you've done in my life." Cause why should you give me a silly thing like a job, or provide someone to buy our home... when others die of hunger? And children raise children? And water is nowhere to be found? Or how about when one cries out for you... and they never feel your presence? It seems pretty "lofty" for me to think that you give me all these good things and yet withhold them from others. So I've stopped with all that "God-talk". All the, "God did this and God did that in my life". But something inside me yearns to fill that place... the place where all that talk took place... with something else. Something more. More depth. More faith. More humble talk. But I'm in the "in-between".

God, I want to be like my Grandmother. The woman is filled with so much love and joy... and most of all she trusts that You are still good.  And while she trusts that You are good... she aches when things go wrong. She doesn't just chalk it up to, "Oh... God must have a plan in this. He works all things together for the good." But her trust is more than that. It's more than easy answers. It's more than simply quoting Bible verses. It's something living-breathing. I think it's Love. No wonder her favorite words are: "Faith, Hope and Love. But the greatest of these is Love." 1 Cor. 13

And God...if the "Greatest of these is Love"... what does that mean about "being saved?" My "saved talk" has broken into bits too. But I think something else is slowly forming. Something with a kind of hope that you are REALLY into saving this whole world... from evil, from pride, hatred, injustice, sickness, poverty, and pain.  

I want a faith that can see the suffering of the world as a reality and a must for a world thats really free. Free to become. We aren't puppets on a string. We are free. The mountains are free. Plate tectonics are free. The winds are free. Matter is free.

God... was C.S. Lewis right when he said, "I sometimes wonder if we have ever begun to understand what is involved in the very concept of creation. If God will create, He will make something to be, and yet to be not himself. To be created is, in some sense, to be ejected or separated."? That makes sense to me. It makes sense of this crazy world. You actually LET IT BE. Let it become. Cause a free world was worth the risk to you. Love was worth the risk.

Yet, even though you let us "be" and let us "become" ... I have this deeper than gut feeling that you don't leave us alone. I think you are over us, above us, in us and through us. And you want us to ask you. And you want us to seek. And you want us to find. And most of all... you want to Love us. Love us into "being".

You are in the pain. In the hunger. But above it. But God... I can't see you right now the way I used to see you. I can't feel you right now the way I used to feel you. I can't hear you right now the way I used to hear you. And I miss you.

I miss driving off in my car and singing to the top of my lungs how I love you.

I have hope that I will again.
 Could it be soon?

And even though...

"I took off petal after petal, as if you were a rose,
In order to see your soul, and I didn’t see it.

However- everything around-
Horizons of fields and oceans-
Everything, even what was infinite,
Was filled with a perfume,
Immense and living."
-Juan Ramon Jimenez

I miss you.

Love, me. 


  1. This was utterly beautiful, and there are tears streaming down my face right now. I feel the same exact way, but couldn't have expressed it so perfectly.

    Thank you for sharing.

  2. What an incredible post. Im truly emotional right now..I loved reading it and Im totally in love with your blog..Your two little boys are sooo adorable!!! Wish you a relaxing weekend,sweetie

  3. That was so honest and beautifully written. I can understand and completely relate to your searching. I'm very glad I read your words this morning because you put many of my unexpressed thoughts and feelings down in words. Very thoughtful ... Thank you for posting this. I believe God led me here this morning!

  4. After a particularly long day with my kiddo today, I am so thankful to sit down and read what is going on in your life. You put so many of my thoughts into words better than I ever could. You are so open, honest, and real. Thank you for being the person I hope to be someday. You are a living, breathing example of compassion and I admire that in you.

    I passed along your story and link to your blog to my family and my younger sis Katie, and her husband Dave have fallen in love with your family. Dave watches your video of your trip to Ethiopia to finally bring home your boys over and over. He cried when he first saw it and so did she. And they have shared your story with their friends. He watches it frequently still and is just in awe of your story and how Tender Heart and Brave Heart have changed your lives.

    Needless to say, I love you friend! I hope to meet your boys one day and please keep your blog coming! It is a light in a dark day. Thank you!

  5. yes jenny yes!!!! your grandmother had it right w/ 1cor13 -- and micah 6:8 is another fave of mine. but my goodness, you hit the nail on the head with this one --- how can he be "getting us a job" and "providing us with a bonus" and "healing our broken leg" when there are so many dying! literally dying!

    girlfriend, we are so on the same page and i am so glad to know you :)

    and to have driven 5 hours with you today.

  6. Jenny,
    Thank you for inviting me to this post. It is so beautiful and vulnerable.

    Funny...just today I was talking with a man on our worship team at church. He shared his story with me...his first two wives committed adultery and left him. Not one...TWO. The first time he was broken. But the second time, he was just utterly confused and bewildered. And he talked about his wrestling match with God and how He was determined to serve God, even though he didn't understand at all why God didn't protect him from two cheating wives.

    And I shared with him a bit of my story. And how after I lost Noah, I realized the God I had been serving wasn't the God I thought He was. I couldn't understand why God would give me parking places when I asked for them, but wouldn't heal my son when he was dying. And I wasn't so sure I liked this new God. And I was certain I did NOT trust Him.

    But then we both talked about how in that wrestling match we made the toughest decision of our continue to serve the God we felt betrayed us.

    And that became the moment that defined our faith to this day. It was in the clinging to God with all our might...the God we no longer understood...that laid the foundation for a faith stronger than we could ever imagine. And an intimacy with and respect for God like I had never had prior to Noah's death.

    So, I say...wrestle away, friend. Your questions are good ones. Valid ones. God's not offended when you ask the hard questions. I think He delights in your passion.

    I wish I had some answers. I don't. I just sense that through this, you and God will develop something incredibly intimate.


  7. Sandy refered me to your blog, and I've gone back to the beginning to read everything. I had to stop at this post to comment. If I were I writer I would have written this post myself. The struggles must serve some purpose, but I'm hung in the "I don't know" part.