When I remembered her... (For Melissa Bell)

So yesterday... after my selfish, complaining post... I opened up my email. And there was an email in there from a friend. And she reminded me quite beautifully (simply telling me that she was thinking of me on such a day) that it was the anniversary of a dear, dear friend's death. Melissa. It broke my heart. I hadn't even remembered! I didn't know what day it was... I was too stuck in my own world to open my eyes to see the Life that is really, REAL. So later that night... I drove off to that damn house we are trying to sell. It was late. I was all alone with my memories. And the rose bush.

My husband (boyfriend at the time) got a call 6 years ago from my mom. I was at a local college taking some summer classes and she knew that after class...I would drive to his house first. And I did. I was excited to show him my new hair cut. It was light and fluffy and so was I.

I should have known. The air in the room was tender and quiet. And when the time was right...

"Melissa passed away..."

Her fight with cancer was over.

I had seen her just 4 days before. She was beautiful. But her cough was relentless. We went to church and lunch together. And as we left each other that day...we made a plan to get together for a sleepover. She wrote, "sleepover with Melissa" on her little sticky note and handed it to me. She knew that her time was short. She loved much. She wanted to spend every waking moment with someone she loved. Her family, her friends. I still have it. That little sticky note.

He handed me a small rose bush that night... the night he told me she was gone. It had small, precious, yellow rose buds. And I drove off in my car to the beach ( I seem to do that quite often). I sat there as the waves crashed. And I looked up at the endless expanse above my head, holding the stars, holding the moon.

God???

 Last night, I sat again, under that great expanse, only this time next to the now larger-than-life rose bush.  I could see her beautiful face, I heard her laughing, ... I remembered her walk. Her voice. Her life. And that damn house we can't sell was transformed from the bane of my existence into a place of rest, joy and grace that night. Her rose bush is nestled among it's gardens.

http://www.melissameisenhelder.com/

Love and loss do that for the soul. They are our teachers. They tear down walls and break apart our stone cold selves. They destroy our ego. And send us running to God. All becomes trite in their presence. My yesterdays gloom jumped off that cliff. The sweetness of life came bellowing in. When I remembered her...

Friendship and gas pains

A few days ago, I was able to meet up with a dear friend for a couple of hours to drink some iced tea, chat and watch her dog play. And it was just a joy. The sun was out. The city was buzzing with life. My kids were taking a nap, so I figured they would be safe if I just left the house for a bit. KIDDING!!!! GEEZE!!!! My parents were at my house building the deck. PROMISE. 

(That's her on the left. Who wouldn't want to be friends with that?)

I returned home just about the time the kids woke up. It was perfection. We played outside until Daddy arrived and Mommy then again drove off to see another one of those most precious, darling friends! I know! I have the life. Tell me about it. 

As I was driving to meet her, I was singing so loud and so good I swear Kelly Clarkson would have been jealous. (Alright... so I lie just a bit. But isn't it true that you sound like a star when the music is soooo loud?) The "windows were rolled down". The trees were budding. And someone passed me (on the turnpike) and smiled as he watched me singing and smiling all alone in my little car. I smirked back sheepishly, at first hesitating in a moment of embarrassment. And then I gave back a big, "cheeky" grin quite unabashedly. And he smiled back even grander, as if to say... "you keep singing at the top of your lungs, girl." I swear it wasn't one of those creeper smiles. 

And the night was just grand. I sat there with my beautiful friend as we laughed and giggled and gasped and stuffed food in our mouths in the small seconds of breaths in between words and smiles. We took an evening walk in the spring air. We drank tea. The feeling reminded me of those sleepless nights as a 13 year old watching movies such as Dirty Dancing and Big with a pile of girl friends amped up on root beer and Swedish fish. 

Anyways... I drove home again singing and smiling. 

And you know what happened?

GAS.

I'm telling you, people. I took in a lot of air that day. And it killed me the next morning. I worked at the coffee shop and had to go to the break room over 8 times to do the "camel". What? Never heard of it? Here's what you do: You kneel down on the floor, place your head closest to the floor and your hind end closest to the ceiling... so that the air that is caught in the painful places in your mid-section can rise to an exit. 

GAS. 

It was so darn painful. But the joy of friendship was worth it. Oh, so worth it. 

A most deepest apology...

For those of you reading this... to understand my apology... you need to read this. It's my friend's love story. She married a widower. And he was quite a bit older than she was. And he was a professor... at the college she (and I) went to. And now she's a mom of four.

This is them:  

And here is my apology:

Dear Friend,

We have become very close. You are a precious, kindred spirit… that I would consider to be one of my dearest. But I have to tell you something. Every time we talk about your love story… there is a pain in my heart. And I will tell you why.

I was one of those “nay-sayers”. I was one of those people who watched from the outside and kept my distance. I had my thoughts: that your love “wasn’t right”. You see… my god was very small. My world was black and white. And I had all the right answers. Your love didn’t line up. It didn’t fit into my box.   

We shared the same circle of friends at that college we both went to. And even though they had welcomed you into their hearts, I sat a far and judged. Oh sure, I’d smile. Oh sure… I’d say that you were “alright by me”. But the truth be told… I watched you through a cloud of judgement. A cloud of fear.

You see, if your love and your story were “good and right”, then my world wasn’t so easily figured out. My god wouldn’t have been so nice and neat. My faith wouldn’t have been so clear cut and strong.

What I found out over the past 3 years was that I couldn’t have been more wrong. When I opened up my heart just a bit to Love… it came in like a rushing wind. But it had so much to destroy in order to survive in there. It had to destroy judgement. Selfishness and ego. Fear. Small dreams. Easy answers.  Man-made boxes, locks and keys.

And for the past three years Love has been tearing at my heart. And it’s brought me to my knees. At times I was so afraid of all that I was loosing. I was afraid I was loosing my “rock solid faith”. But in the end… all I was loosing was a list. It was a set of beliefs. Something that kept me separate and "other" from so many. So much of what was inside was a counterfit for the real thing. But the real thing wouldn't let me go... and the real truth has been setting me free. 

And what do you know. I was given a second chance. To be your friend.

And let me tell you what I see.

I see Love.

It’s so real and right that it radiates from your home. And it follows you into the grocery store.

I watch as you pick up the phone and talk to him… and light beams. I watch as he stands on the outskirts at a wedding and smiles as you dance with your friends. I see not two… but “one”.

Oh, I know your love is not easy. And you have even let me in to see some of those hard places.

But your love mends them. And it’s even more wonderful and true and pure.

Gosh, I hope and pray that all of “us” come out of the cracks and carry to you our humble hearts and deepest apologies. I hope we say, “I’m sorry” for I am sure at times our unspoken and spoken words cut like a knife.

I thank God for a second chance. I thank God that I am able to witness the way you have come under Love’s shelter… and you used those keys that many of us used to lock you out… and you locked yourself in.

 Love.

So, my precious friend… I am so sorry. From the bottom of the bottom of my heart. And I love you.

And  I’m overwhelmed with thanks…

When I think…

I got a second chance.

Love, Jenny