Friday, January 28, 2011

Love... I get so lost, sometimes.

Yesterday... was a day I tell you. In the morning, I spent an hour packing up my kids for the day to go hang out with some friends. I walked out my front door to 6 inches of snow. I cleaned off the car... I shoveled... lugged the twins out... and got stuck. Really stuck. So... I brought them back in. 

But before I gave up... I slammed my foot against the bottom of the car, gas pedal in-between, and I let careless, careless words fly out my mouth. I turned back to see these innocent little faces taking it all in. They looked confused. And I prayed to God that they forget. I prayed that my anger just soars over them... that it didn't stick to them like we were stuck in the snow. "I'm so sorry, my boys. Mommy's so sorry." Can you taste my tears? 

Oh, this year has been hands down the toughest year OF MY LIFE. Oh sure, there will be years to come that I will look back at this one and think it was a simple walk in the park. But, for me, the first year of Mommyhood has been a bit like our first year of Marriagehood. You make it through, but for grace,  limping across the finish line with a pulled hammy, stitches, squinting at the sun and exasperated. But OH do you finish! And when the gun sounds the next time, the others are spitting dirt out of their teeth as they watch your shadow grow smaller and smaller. Running becomes like breathing. Oh, do I hope that's what Mommyhood is like.

Now, don't get me wrong, sometimes, no, no... MANY times, being a mommy is simply glorious. These moments come that are almost too much to bear. Too much joy. Too much love. You think that your heart might just burst open. After spending a day without my boys... I would run 600 miles to just see them smile.

But that wasn't yesterday. Yesterday was a limp-across-the-finish-line kind of day. In fact, I called my husband to say, "Hi. Hows it going? I gotta get out. Really badly."

He's so good it's sick. Not that he's perfect by any means. (Darn close though, Love). But he took my, "I gotta get out" like a champ. He understands. He understands that being with them can make you your very best. And your very worst... THAT.

 I swear it was like listening to Peter Gabriel's song in a real life key: "When I want to run away, I drive off in my car." So I did. I drove up the hill, into the dusk and off... into the city.

Ah, "the city". I worked there off and on for the past five years. My time spent, in what we in New England call, "The City", was some of the best in my life. WHY? I think it's all the life that it holds. SO much LIFE.

Off and on I worked at this little coffee shop downtown. Actually, it was THE coffee shop downtown. There were at least 8 people behind the counter at all times, always a line out the door, the La Marzzoco was always crankin', and the people... oh the people it attracted were ALWAYS... always... crazy.

Crazy in a good way. A really good way. There was "Homeless Joy-filled". He smiled and said, "God bless you," all the time. There was the"Always-High-Guy". He made finger paintings and thought that he was Van Gogh. When he spoke to you he stared into your soul (which is quite common for those who live on copious amounts of weed). There was a woman who always had a story about the CIA trying to track her down.There were the poets. The musicians. The filthy rich. The dirt poor. The business-men. The exercise-nuts. The women who were insecure. The frat-boys who tried so hard. They were kind. They were mean. They were lonely. They were joyful. They were in trouble. They were dying. They were full of life.

LIFE I tell you.

Just like me. Just like you.

Being a "stay at home" mom is a bit of a struggle for me. You see, for me, befriending "Homeless Joy-filled", watching "Always-High-Guy", and giving the "business woman" a smile... ignites my soul. In all honesty... being home A LOT has made for some very dark days.

And then of coarse I start thinking, "Do I want to get out because it's too hard to be home? Too hard to have patience ALL THE TIME? Too hard to pour every little bit of myself into these little vessels? Too hard to do medial tasks, day in? Day out? Too hard?

Yesterday, as I walked through the slush on the city streets, I started to appreciate the brown snow. The snow that was plowed, driven through, walked in and pee'd on. It reminded me of the messy lives of everyone in that city. It reminded me of myself.

I need some things. I want to be better for my little Tender Heart and Brave Heart. There are parts of me that I wish were so different. Edges that need to be smoothed. Soft spots that need to be hardened. Something inside me needs to change. And I have two ideas.

The Salvation Army.

The Coffee Shop.

So, in telling you all this, it means I'm really ready to make a jump. You'll hold me to it.

I'm going to try to work 2 days a week at a local coffee shop and get plugged into all that "life blood" again. AND... I want to somehow volunteer my time at the local Salvation Army. So much of this year has been, "I've got nothing left to give... I'm being poured out every day." Oh.. get OVER yourself!

So... thats it. Brown snow. Needs. Patience. And "Life Blood".


  1. I just popped over from your comment on my blog. Oh honey...I just want to reach through this computer and give you a big long sister-mommy hug. I so get you.

    And then I want to strap in the front seat and let you drive me through your city and sit in your coffee shop and talk and talk and talk about motherhood and adoption and life.

    You are a beautiful writer and and have an extraordinary gift of communication. And I love your two little children already. And I love your husband for understanding when you tell him you need to get out of the house. He's a keeper.

    Wish we lived closer...

    Blessings and hugs,

  2. Beautiful place, beautiful boys.

    Oh, I can relate to the first year of mommyhood being tough. Um, and loads of snow does NOT help the situation. I love your photos and the way you capture life around the city. Your Salvation Army and coffee shop ideas are perfect. We all need little breaks. Can't wait to hear stories of how you find a way to make some time for you.

  3. Thanks for writing this post, Jenny! Staying at home is HARD and sometimes I start to go crazy too. I'm glad you're going to try to get connected and work/serve part time again! Good for you. We need to hang out one of these days. Seriously!

  4. I totally get that you need a bit of something different in your day and I think that working in the coffee shop part time will be so good for you..Because if you are happy and full of energy then your boys will be happy too:) So sorry you had a bad day and wish you a cozy Sunday, darling
    Love your posts!!!!

  5. Hey Jenny: I sent you a blog award on my latest post. Go check it out and please don't kill me.

  6. Congratulations on your shout out and award from Hoosier at Heart! Don't you just love her?!

    I have enjoyed visied your blog.

  7. Stopping by from Hoosier at Heart, congratulations on your award.

  8. I read this post a couple days ago and didn't comment because I didn't have any words of wisdom for you. It sounds like you have already figured out what to do to make the mommy thing work for you. It can be tough. I worked all the while my kids where young so I never lost the "life blood" thing but I did sometimes wish I could have been home with them more. I guess the grass is never greener, huh? Keep up the great writing. You have a gift. Thanks for following my silly blog.

  9. Oh man, I can only imagine how hard it must be. Your husband sounds absolutely wonderful though.

  10. I really, really love the way you write. It's refreshing.

    While I'm not a stay at home mom (yet), I can still relate to this. I worked at this tiny little family diner for almost 8 years before marrying my husband and becoming a housewife. Sometimes I feel so out of touch with LIFE anymore.

    Anyway, I think you're doing the right thing by working a couple days a week and volunteering. It's important to do that for YOU.

  11. I agree with Jenni, your writing is very refreshing! Hugs!